Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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