I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Randomize
