fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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