Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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