i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
