you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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