my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
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