I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
