I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
