Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
