Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
