just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
The uberlube is also flammable
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
