if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Randomize
