OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Randomize
