He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
