I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
