Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
