I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
