maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
