In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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