she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
