I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
