I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Randomize
