Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
