If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
