woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
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