I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
