Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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