You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
