My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
