Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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