Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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