my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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