The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
