she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
