i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
