i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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