All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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