We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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