I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
