oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
