I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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