i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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