shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
