No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
