he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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