I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
