Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
