Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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