turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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