did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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