the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
