I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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