Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
