I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
