And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
