He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize