I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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